Free for Mother's Day

This meme speaks volumes! Mother's Day can be a very tricky day for most of us.

It is often said that the most unappreciated job in all the world is that of a mother. Well, I believe that - but I would now add that a stepmom should be considered for that award.

Not all stepmoms are created equal, some have a much smaller job description than others. You may not be expected to help raise your stepchildren. You may get to be a part of all the celebrations without being responsible for the daily grind. Or you may literally share the responsibilities with the other parent. Paying for only 50% of their clothing and school supplies. Feeding and providing a roof over their heads 50% of the time.

Often I hear stories where the step kids (or at least some of them) live in your home not half the time, but all the time. In this case, you are likely the one that cooks their meals, buys their clothes, gets them to school, attends parent-teacher meetings, entertains their friends for dinner (and often breakfast the next day). You may volunteer long hours in a booster club or helping at their school. You care for them when they are sick and run their track shoes to them when they leave them at home. Perhaps you even schedule their dental and vision appointments, fill our their FASA and get them enrolled in college.

Sounds an awful lot like the very things I did for my natural born children as well. So, the role of mom and stepmom in some cases can overlap and be indistinguishable.

That is ... until Mother's Day rolls around.

Something very strange tends to happen Mother's Day Weekend. It can feel like you woke up in the Twilight Zone. The weekend is filled with tension as your stepchildren work to find a gift and a card for their mom. (Many times, a gift that you pay for.) A card that thanks her for all the things that ... well frankly, for all the things that you do for them. This mom, the one that has no time for booster club meetings or school shopping has cleared her day or maybe even her weekend to be honored in photographs that will grace Facebook pages and Instagram stories for years to come.

And what of you? If you were blessed with children as I was, the day is still one of joy as you hear from your children and often receive kind words of love and thankfulness for the sacrifices you made through the years.

What if you didn't have children of your own? It is a day that can easily become filled with anger and resentment.

My advise is this: you are their stepMOM, that is true and mom is part of that title. However, she is, and always will be their MOM. You need to remember this. Regardless of who cares for the children - she is still their mom. In it's simplest form - mother means one that gave birth.

You aren't going to like my seasoned response to the issue of Mother's Day. You will likely feel like I am heaping coals on your head. Let me remind you that I have been there - for over 18 years. I have shed many Mother's Day tears - I have allowed the tension to spoil Mother's Day with my own children too many times. So I am not preaching down at you - I am sharing from my own experience and from my heart.

It won't be easy - but you need to let it go.

I have a news bulletin for you - your stepchildren will never understand or fully appreciate all that you have done for them. Sorry, but it is true. Here is another news flash - your own children will never fully understand or appreciate all that you did for them either. Just as you will never realize what your parents did for you.

You can't win this fight, so gracefully bow out. I urge you to let go of any expectations that you hold onto for Mother's Day and any other opportunity that your stepchildren will have to honor you.

Expectations generally lead to disappointment.

Imagine your joy when you receive an unexpected letter from your stepchild one day in which they thank you for all that you brought to their life and how you showed them unconditional love.

This may be a really good time for a quick motive check-up. Are you striving to be a good stepmom for man's praise? Do you make things special in the hopes of getting recognition on social media? Are you trying to compete for your step kids affections??

Make sure that you are doing your best to be a loving stepmom in order to point the way to Jesus and to make their lives and the life of your husband better. Kick that pride in the gut and turn up the love and grace!

Be the one to remove the tension. Instead of being on the defensive - be on the offensive and help your stepchildren have a nice Mother's Day weekend with their mom. You read that right. Encourage them to show gratitude and honor to their mom.

Don't pout if you don't get a card. Don't pout if your stepchild not only honors his mom but honors his friends moms but fails to honor you. Just let it go.

Share your disappointment with your husband. Once he understands your feelings, he just might go out of his way to make Mother's Day special for you too. After all, you are caring for his children aren't you!?

Until next time, step gracefully!

Andrea Olsen