How Divorce Can Shape a Child .. and How it Cannot

I am so excited about this post! It has been my desire from the very beginning that Stepping Gracefully would become a family project. We have encouraged our children to share their unique perspectives and contribute content to offer valuable advise for all of us!

The following was written by our oldest daughter, Michelle Jones. I introduced Michelle to you in a previous post, A Tribute to My Daughter on Her 30th Birthday. The tips shared below are not only useful for those who have been divorced, but can be applied to almost any trauma that your child may be experiencing.

Let's hear from Michelle:

I am not a professional anything, I am definitely not a perfect mother, and I do not/ did not

always follow these guidelines, but I wish I had.

I am a child from a broken family. I never thought I’d have a broken family of my own one day. In fact, I thought I had my whole life mapped out. Ha!! Exactly nothing on that map has come to fruition as of yet. At least, not according to the paths I had planned.

When divorce seems inevitable, it is scary to think about how it will affect your child and their future. I spent many sleepless nights wondering if I had ruined their lives and taken away their potential by not being able to keep my marriage together.

Here are a few things I try to keep in mind when I feel that anxiety looming:

Divorce (ALONE) will not cause your child to...

• develop a behavioral disorder.

• perform poorly in school.

• become aggressive and violent.

• become a lonely, untrusting adult.

Do you know what’s more likely to attribute to these issues? Staying in a volatile relationship. Children who grow up in constant household tension often suffer greater consequences than those whose parents experience separation or divorce.

Here are some ways to help your child (and you) transition into your new life

Counseling

Encourage your child to talk to you (and your spouse/ ex-spouse/ new spouse)

about how they are feeling, but also help them feel okay about speaking to a

professional.

It can be easy to try to look for any indication that everything is alright and

overlook what problems may be brewing in them. It can be just as easy to

see every little tantrum as a wailing siren. So, let a licensed counselor

who specialized in childhood development and/or family counseling speak

with them at least a few times. They can give you an objective

perspective and great advice.

Correct Their Behavior, Not Their Feelings

Remember that feelings are never wrong. It may be hurtful or scary to listen to

some of the things your child has to say about the situation but... discussing

them in a no-judgment zone can do more than you will know. It will help shape a

wonderful relationship between the two of you, build trust, help the child release

some anxieties, and allow them to ask questions. If they have questions, answer

them, if not, just let them talk.

On the other side of this, do not let bad behavior go uncorrected. Yes, they are

going through a lot and yes that can potentially lead to behavioral issues, but you

aren’t doing them any favors by letting things go. They need structure and

guidance now more than ever as divorce (and remarriage) can bring feelings of

unease and uncertainty for them. Keep the status quo and continue to help

ensure that they become good, happy adults.

Do Not Speak Ill of your Ex

This may seem like a no-brainer, but it’s so easy to let a seemingly benign

sarcastic “Oh, did he? Lol” slip. Let me tell you something, those little sponges

are ready and waiting for any indication of how you are feeling about their other

parent. They will hear and absorb everything. Don’t underestimate their ability

to perceive what you’re really saying.

It helps if you have conversations about your ex (with other adults) when

they are not around. Goodness knows you need to vent.

Have Answers Ready

They’ll probably ask you over and over again if you still love your ex, or why you

split up. This isn’t going to stop anytime soon, so get an answer ready to throw

out.

Find an answer that works for you but be consistent. I say “I still

care about him, but we don’t love each other like that anymore” or “We

just didn’t work as married people anymore.” As my oldest gets older she

wants a better answer. I say “We wanted different things and are different

people”.

Good, appropriate and timely communication is key to any successful relationship.

Michelle Jones