My Life with Marie

One of my favorite sitcoms for the last many years has been Everybody Loves Raymond. I don't claim to have seen all 210 episodes, but I bet I have seen most of them. (Some episodes numerous times.)

I used to swear that the Barones were modeled after my first step-family. My ex-husband being the golden son, Raymond and his mom a perfect Marie. If you aren't familiar with the Barone family, (first of all - where have you been!) Frank and Marie live across the street from Ray and Debra and their children. Marie is a major helicopter mom who clearly loves her family deeply (even her daughter-in-law) but steps on Debra's toes mercilessly.

Side note: I am refraining from using the real names of my previous family to respect their privacy.

My struggles with the relationship with Rick's mom became an issue in our marriage. (To clarify, I am not placing the blame on her, only that our reaction to her overly helpful ways was one contributor to our ultimate demise.) Maybe you can relate to a few examples of how her helpfulness often contributed to my inability to find my place, even within the walls of my own home.

It feels wrong to jump in without giving you any background to explain why she may have done these things. Allow me to simply say that before our marriage, for all practical purposes, she was mom (at least part-time) to both of Rick's kids.

Marie thought nothing of coming over to the house while we were both at work and adding a new rug to the entry way, moving or replacing furniture, "cleaning" the house, decorating for Christmas or maybe taking all of our dirty laundry home with her to wash and bring back the next afternoon. You are probably thinking, "I want a Marie!" Do you really though?

One memory that stands out was when I had Rick's parents over for dinner and she felt bad for my stepson because I made something that he didn't particularly like to eat. To stop him from fussing, she proceeded to get up and make him a few hot dogs ... in my kitchen ... while the meal that I spent hours preparing grew cold on her plate.

She was completely unaware that she was stepping on my toes and usurping my authority with the kids. She even used the opportunity as a teaching moment, to show me how he liked his hot dogs to be rolled while cooking them to avoid leaving any grill marks.

Marie did a lot for us, she really did, but she often overstepped. It didn't make it any less difficult that her motivation was love.

Rick's inability or unwillingness to help her find boundaries caused a rift in our marriage that grew larger with every passing season. Without question, some of the blame falls at my own feet. I was unwilling to effectively communicate how much I needed to be the woman of my own home. I NEEDED a chance to run my household and establish my place in our family, but I couldn't possibly compete with her.

Don't be too hard on your mother-in-law. As a MiMi myself, it is easy to understand how a mom would want to step in and help her son raise his children in the absence of a wife. knowing that your grandchildren have already been heart broken by a major loss, it would feel like abandoning them to back up and let a brand new woman take over. She wouldn't even know how they like their hot-dogs cooked!

From the very beginning, Dane and I talked in great depth about all the things that we believed added to the demise of our previous marriages and what we wanted in our own relationship. I shared unabashedly with him how I did not want to be Debra to another Marie.

Dane took the opportunity early in our marriage to prove his willingness to put boundaries in place with his mom. Don't misunderstand, that wasn't a "one and done" conversation. That issue comes up often, especially since we recently moved his parents into our home. The difference is that I am free to have those conversations with Joan knowing that Dane has my back.

Looking back, I think it was fear of rejection that caused me to back down from potential confrontation. A loving and honest approach may have been all that was needed.

We MUST learn the art of communication and then apply it with our husband, our kids and those extended family members who participate in the raising of our children.

I understand the struggle first hand but I pray that my sons and daughter-in laws feel secure enough in the love I have for them to let me know when I am acting like Marie Barone!

Until next time, Step Gracefully!