Navigating the Holidays with Grace

The Christmas season is often the most fraught with conflict for the stepfamily. They never quite play out the way Hallmark Christmas movies portray them. Often times we create needless stress with ridiculous expectations of what we think the holidays should be.

Here are a few suggestions to help reduce stress and encourage family bonding at Christmas:

SET REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS:

Work out a holiday schedule in advance with the other parent. Be fair but be flexible. I like to think of visitation documents as a backup for those times when you aren’t able to come to an agreement.

Let me pause to acknowledge those of you dealing with an unreasonable biological parent, unwilling to acknowledge your role as stepmom. I understand how painful and problematic that is for you, your spouse and the children. I am truly sorry. Working with this person to create a holiday schedule together is probably out of the question. In that case, be thankful that you have a visitation schedule, become intimately acquainted with it and plan accordingly.

NEVER USE GUILT AS A MEANS TO GET YOUR WAY:

Communicate your desire to have special family time set aside but do not use guilt to get your way. Using guilt on your husband can’t change the custody agreement. Guilting or manipulating your children or step children in order to sway them to fulfill your desires rather than the other parent’s desires will only damage your relationships. In fact, don't EVER use guilt to get your way - using a guilt trip is never an act born out of love.

My point is that you can have an incredible Christmas celebration with the kids, even if it happens on December 21st or December 30th. Trust me - your children (depending on their age) are just excited about opening presents, seeing extended family, or making Christmas cookies - no matter what the calendar says. Don’t turn your desire to do things your way into a battle that will surely end with casualties.

DON’T ABANDON TRADITIONS BUT BE FLEXIBLE:

It is a proven fact that traditions help to create or cement a bond in a family and step family.

If you don’t have the kids on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day – work around it. Just because they are with the other parent the week of Christmas doesn’t mean that you have to abandon all of your traditions. It’s true that you can’t attend the Christmas Eve service together this year or wake up to find that Santa has eaten the cookies you left out for him on Christmas morning. (Remember, if your visitation documents are typical, you can do that next year!) You can still make Christmas cookies, or gingerbread houses even it is done December 20th or December 30th . You can still open presents together under the tree the night before they leave or the day they return from the other parent’s house.

KNOW YOUR WHY:

When you begin to feel angry or frustrated because things aren’t going as planned - it is important to know your why. Why is that day more important for your family celebration than another day? Why do you feel so driven to keep the tradition of feeding the homeless on Thanksgiving Day? Why do the kids need to participate in decorating the tree? If you know your why – I imagine you can find other opportunities to accomplish the same goal on another day or even by creating a new tradition.

If your why in feeding the homeless on Thanksgiving Day is to teach your children thankfulness, or to help them learn to serve others, I have great news! Homeless shelters serve food every day not just on Thanksgiving. However, if your why is to post pictures on social media to show your sainthood and how sacrificial you are – well, I suppose you need a heart transplant rather than a lesson in flexibility.

If your children no longer enjoy putting the ornaments on the tree – examine your why. Forcing that family time may be less effective than drinking hot chocolate together at the end of the day admiring the tree that you decorated on your own. As an aside, I have noticed our children (even the oldest) sneak peeks at the tree throughout the Christmas season examining the ornaments, many of which hold special memories. That satisfies my why.

WHAT IS CHRISTMAS REALLY ABOUT ANYWAY?

Do I even need to go there? I think we all know the real message of Christmas, but a reminder may be necessary at times. We get so caught up in the tree and the shopping and the custody arrangements through the season that it is easy for the true message to be a mere afterthought.

Before you allow yourself to become frustrated, angry or even hurt by the dynamics of the stepfamily, circle a day on your calendar and strategically plan an hour or so to bask in the glory of Christmas – just you and Jesus. Compare your sacrifices to the one that God the Father made out of His incredible love for you. (John 3:16) Magically, the inconvenience of the custody arrangement, or the unreasonable biological parent will seem small and maybe even inconsequential.

Navigating the holidays becomes much less stressful when we realize that the memories we are building are not dependent on a particular day - but on how we spend whatever day we have.

Until next time: Step Gracefully!