Ten Pitfalls for Stepmoms to Avoid

I know in my heart of hearts that your blended family can be a place of incredible joy and opportunity to experience God’s grace.

I am also very aware of some real pitfalls that you should avoid for the best chance of success.

1. EXAMINE YOURSELF. Before you commit to a man when children are involved examine yourself. Stepping is anything but easy. To be completely blunt, if you are an emotionally needy or selfish person, do not attempt it! If you decide to move forward, attend pre-marital counseling and do the work! Talk about ALL THE THINGS and then let go of any and all expectations.

2. SLOW DOWN! I know firsthand the overwhelming desire to begin your new life. Don’t be in such a hurry - it’ll be worth it to allow everyone time to emotionally prepare for the dynamics of a new family. There is no magic number or easy answer to how long you should wait but wade into the shallow end rather than diving into the deep end. Weigh the advice of those that love you and want what is best for you.

3. MOVE INTO A NEW HOME. Move into a home that is new to all of you and allow each member to carve out their own space from the very beginning. That may not always seem like the soundest financial decision, but it will be worth it. Give yourself the best chance at success!

4. BEGIN RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE. You can’t play emotional catch up, you can only begin with today. Resist the temptation to put all your energy into creating a new relationship with the step-children and remember to nurture the relationship with your bio-children.

5. COUNT TO TEN! Take a deep breath before you react in a difficult situation. Count to ten (or one hundred) or whatever works for you. Just do something before you allow hurtful words to come flying out of your mouth. We all need to work on that one!

6. STEP AWAY. Learn when to gracefully step away. This could be especially true when a disciplinary opportunity arises but would be better handled by the bio parent. It doesn’t diminish your place in the family to quietly and temporarily remove yourself. I tend to find myself either escaping to my room or running a few errands outside the home. This response doesn't feel natural to me and I still struggle with when to stay and when to bow out.

7. BE KIND! Shock everyone by not being the stereo typical evil stepmom! In fact, why not be Fun while you are at it! Let laughter be the music of your home.

8. BITE YOUR TONGUE! Bite your tongue when you want to speak ill of the biological mom. Even if she deserves the tongue lashing, it will only do harm to speak those words in ear shot of the kids. Don't test their loyalty. One of the greatest mysteries is the way kids will come to the defense of even the worst biological parent.

9. HONE YOUR COMMUNICATION SKILLS! Practice them daily. Why wouldn’t that be every bit as important as sharpening your professional skills? Work on communicating with your spouse, and your bio and step children as well as in-laws and friends. Healthy relationships lend themselves to a healthy you.

10. PRIORITIZE! Put the marriage relationship first and don’t slip into a child-centered home. I am well aware that this is a controversial statement. I’m not backing down to avoid offending someone on this one. It is not just important, but it is ultimately necessary for a healthy marriage and raising healthy adults.

Those ten may not all resonate with you, but I feel confident that at least a few of these issues will come up, be prepared.

Let’s agree right now that we won’t always be on the same page, and that’s okay. It is our differences and our unique experiences that will give us opportunity to stretch and grow together.

Until next time, step gracefully!