Ten Simple Steps to Begin Restoring Your Marriage Today

If you are in a marriage that you believe is on the brink of divorce or quickly moving in that direction, this post is for you.

THERE IS HOPE!!

Whether this is your first or fifth marriage, these ten steps can help bring you back on track. Something within you wants to save your marriage. If that weren’t the case, you wouldn’t be here right now.

“Leave it all on the field”. You have likely heard that phrase or a variation within the world of sports. It simply means to give it your all, push through the pain, have no regrets and make certain you have nothing left when time runs out.

Fight for your marriage with that same intensity. Here are ten simple steps to get you started:

1. Examine yourself before you begin to examine your husband

Matthew 7:3-5 (ESV) says:

3” Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.”

Ask God to help you see the truth about your heart and your true motives. Restoration begins in your own heart.  

2. Reminisce about the exciting early days

Set aside some time to remember the beginning of your relationship with your husband.

How did you meet? What was it about him that drew you in? Remember the butterflies in your stomach or the way your heart would speed up in his presence. Remember how you would talk for hours about your past and the dreams for your future. Remember how you couldn’t wait to hear his voice or see him after a long day.

Look through old photos of the two of you in the early days. See that spark in your eye and the smile on your face? Look closely at your body language. Are you leaning toward him? Holding hands?

What characteristics did you love about him? Was it his quiet strength or his outgoing nature? Was it the way he made you laugh or how he let you cry on his shoulder? Did you love his generosity to the needy? You fill in the blank: I loved how he _________.

Now, turn that same light on yourself. What were you like when he fell in love with you? Ask yourself those same questions from his perspective.

Do you resemble that person anymore? Are you kind and thoughtful or have you become cold and bitter?

3. Reflect on the journey

Do you know when you began to veer off the path? Was is a slight turn or a major event?

Most often, marriages fail due to small daily decisions over the course of time. Be patient and understand that you didn’t get where you are overnight and you won’t be back on track overnight either.

4. Reframe Your thoughts

Do you build your husband up or tear him down? Did he stop trying to please you because his efforts never seem to be good enough? Have you been bad mouthing your husband to friends and family?

Negativity is a killer!

Reframe your thoughts and mindset from negative to positive. You can control the lens you look through! Try removing the word divorce from your conversations and use positive words like rebuild instead.

5. Begin honest conversations

Now that you have had a chance to reset your thinking, try being honest with him. 

Spend time in prayer and ask God to give you wisdom and to prepare your husband’s heart.

6. Choose the right time and place

Don’t try to discuss issues in the bedroom, in fact it might be best to talk somewhere other than your house. Maybe a blanket at the park. A quiet table at a restaurant. If it’s easier for now to talk without looking eye to eye … go for a walk or a drive to take some of the pressure off.

7. Take responsibility for your part

The way that we phrase our sentences, the tone in our voice, our body language and facial expressions are often more powerful than the words themselves.

For example. Instead of saying, “You never write me love notes anymore” try something like “When you wrote me notes it made me feel loved, I miss those”

Rather than, “You are always on your phone” try “When you spend the evening on your phone, I feel like you don’t want to spend time with me”

You get the picture - don't put him on the defense by throwing accusations at him.

8. Date your husband again

Plan a date night – but maybe avoid calling it that. Remove all pressure and plan something light and fun rather than serious or romantic. Baby steps!

Take the time to fix your hair and spend time choosing your attire -  the same way you would have in the beginning. Send him a text during the day and let him know that you are looking forward to spending time together.

Please leave your expectations at home and just enjoy the night as it unfolds. You may both feel a little awkward if things have been rocky.

9. Do the work

Yes, it is work. Go to counseling and do your homework assignments. If you are working through a book together, read it and prepare for discussions. If you are asked to make lists or keep a journal – do it and do it with thought and purpose.

Even the “work” will show your husband that he is important and that you will prioritize these assignments, even the ones you think are silly.

10. Allow yourself to become emotionally vulnerable again

What is the worst thing that could happen? What is the best thing that could happen?

You could learn to trust your spouse again! You could have your best friend back! Isn’t it worth the risk?

Notice a theme?  Take responsibility for your own attitude and actions. I guarantee that you stand a better chance at healing your marriage by going this route. Pointing out all your husbands faults and dismissing your own will never get your marriage back on track.

Bottom line, you loved each other once – you chose each other as your lifetime best friend and lover. Don’t throw it away without giving it all you have. Fight for it!

Leave it all on the field!

Until next time, step gracefully